Exactly a year ago I took a picture of me wearing a bikini in front of this big square mirror at my mom’s house and I remember thinking to myself at the time “I wonder what I’ll look like in a year.” I also remember feeling disappointed in how I looked when I studied the picture of myself that reflected back at me. Disappointed. The picture was quickly stuffed away in my phone but the thoughts that I carried afterwards weren’t forgotten so easily.
But this wasn’t just any square mirror that I would
nonchalant take a selfie in. It
was the mirror that hung to the left of the spiral staircase I grew accustomed
to glancing at whenever I walked downstairs from my room and into the kitchen.
It was a ritual I took part from the time I was a young 14-year-old teenager to
a 21-year-old young adult right before I moved out on my own. But even when I came to my parents to
visit, I still found myself stealing looks from the mirror as a descended down
the staircase. Those stolen moments that I relied on so heavily to secure my
self-confidence have stopped with the recent renovation of the downstairs
living area. The mirror isn’t there anymore but like habit I can still find
myself looking to the left to find my appearance staring back at me.
I’ve
been thinking about that photo a lot the past few months and I want to reflect
on the past year and talk about not only my outer transformation but how I’ve
evolved on the inside. I started this journey in January of last year…you know
the whole new year, new me thing? This time it actually stuck and I haven’t
looked back since. The past year
and a half has been nothing but crazy between diving myself into school, moving
out on my own, getting more serious about my career and on top of that finding
out who I am.
When I think about my intentions of wanting to get healthy and
lose weight it was for all the wrong reasons. While I was honest quietly with
myself that I really just wanted to look good in a tiny bikini rather than be
healthy, I didn’t tell everyone else the truth. I want to be healthy, I said. When I really knew having abs and
small legs was my real motivation. For a solid 6 months I was so fixated on losing
weight that I wouldn’t budge from my self prescribed diet and exercise regime. Nick
once offered me to take a bite of this Hawaiian bread roll that his best
friend’s grandmother made but I said no. He told me to just try it, but to me
at that time, that was an extra 20 calories that would suddenly appear on my
tummy. I got mad at him for asking me. Don’t you see that I’m trying to be
healthy? When I look back at that moment I can’t help but be embarrassed! How
rude was I?? My sweet boyfriend was offering me to try something and all I
could think about was how it was going to affect my appearance. Ridiculous. I would do an hour of cardio and then
do an “ab check” in the mirror right after. Like suddenly the fat would just
disappear from my body in an instant. And again I would feel disappointed in
myself. Failure! You shouldn’t have eaten that. You should have done more cardio.
You’ll be better tomorrow. While I was trying to approve my appearance I was
reeking havoc on the inside. On my mentality. My sanity. That’s one thing they don’t tell you
when you try to improve your apperance. That you’ll spend the next however long
picking up pieces you leave behind. How did I become this person? This nasty
person that cared more about what I ate that day than asking my boyfriend how his
day of work went? I lost myself.
It
all changed when I went to Vegas over the summer with a group of friends. A
weekend away from responsibility, diets and hours of cardio. It’s vacation I can eat whatever I want,
I said. And I did that. Lots of it. I remember feeling so full that I felt
sick. Binged until I couldn’t walk anymore. But it’s vacation. When
I came back it was hard to get back into the groove of things. I would eat
extremely healthy Monday-Thursday and then when the weekend came around I would
binge until I hated myself. By Monday I was telling myself that it’s a new week
and I can try again. But it was a vicious cycle that couldn’t be stopped.
When
August rolled around so did the start of a new semester at school and a second
chance. I had been following quite a few fitness Instagrams at that point and
noticed a lot of girls lifting and talking about the benefits of incorporating
weights. I was fearful of the idea of stepping into the weight room with the guys but I wanted to give it a shot. I told myself the very first day of
school I was going to step in there or I know I would regret it if I didn’t try. I
actually stuck to my promise and again, I haven’t looked back. It’s amazing what
lifting has given me! Not only have I filled out with new muscles I didn’t
think were possible, but it has repaired my once damaged idea of what my
body should look like. My legs and arms were growing, my stomach was actually
shrinking and I was getting stronger. But while I had a new outlook on body
image, I still had a broken relationship with food.
I
tried different things, different diets but through all of it I found IIFYM,
which I’ve talked about before. It helped me find myself again. It showed me that
food can be enjoyable, while still fueling my body with vital nutrients that I
need. But I still found myself binging on foods that I loved. Failure. Going
over on my macro count for that day. Failure.
Where
am I now? Well I’m still learning about myself, that’s for sure. I still have
my moments where I binge until I feel sick and I still go crazy on
vacation. But that’s life. And I’m
going to tell you it’s okay to have a full pint of Ben & Jerrys when you’re
sad or just when you freakin feel like it. It’s okay to eat Froyo when you’re
out with friends or have a bag of popcorn when you’re watching that movie
you’ve been dying to see. But I’m also going to tell you that it’s important to
eat veggies even when you don’t like them and get your fill of fiber in. Let me
tell you I hate veggies but I make sure I eat them because they carry vital
vitamins your body needs. And I’m still trying to find a balance between eating for my health and eating for my sanity. You can find me eating carrots one minute and the next with a donut in my hand. And I think that’s how it should be. I know I’ll never have a 6 pack, or small thighs but that’s okay because I don’t crave those things anymore. I also wouldn’t go back to that dark place where I would sacrafice my mental health for either one. Oh and I also really love donuts and candy. Like a lot.
So where is that picture in front the mirror? I
can’t find it. Not kidding you. I was actually going to use it to compare to
what my body looks like now. How I am 14 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest
and unhealthy weight. But you know what? I’m kinda glad I couldn’t find it.
It’s better not to compare a picture from a whole year ago that doesn’t measure
how I felt and grew on the inside. I know some people don’t care about this
stuff, which is why my blog has been silent and why I don’t post nearly as much
about it on my own Instagram. But talking about healthy and selve love makes me
happy and from now on it’s time to be a little more selfish.
So I’m going to leave this “selfie” of my body in all it’s glory right
here. Because I’m damn proud where I’ve been and where I’ve gone. I’m not
wearing much makeup. I’m not flexing, sucking in, or added filters to make it
look better. It’s just me, raw, just standing there. I don’t think I should be
ashamed of being proud of my body, or being proud of myself and I don’t think
you should be either. Be proud of your acomplishments even when you think no
one cares. If I could change one person, that would be enough for me. (ps. I ate 2 cookies before taking this ;))
So my advice to you? Don’t
find yourself being one of those people that “counts calories” or skips
breakfast to eat ice cream later. Like the saying goes, you can have your cake
and eat it too. When you starve your body of the calories it needs to survive
you will be in a calorie deficient. Yeah, you’ll lose weight but you’ll also
lose your metabolism along with it. I eat A LOT of carbs but it’s because I can and I know what works for my body. I work at
an active job teaching swim lessons for 5 hours where I’m constantly moving and
lift heavy during my workouts. Figure out what your body needs and FEED IT. Don’t jump on some bangwagon of a weight loss program because it promises you you’ll be 15 pounds lighter in 12 weeks! Everyone’s body is different, woman or man. I
want to grab every single person, espeically young girls, that really believe they need to starve themselves,
shake them, and tell them to stop! Eat, lift, run, laugh, cry and grow your heart and your mind.
When
will the self injury stop? To be honest, probably never. You’re meant to make
mistakes from life. It’s never going to be perfect and whoever tells you it will be is straight bullshitting you. I follow a few fitspos that claim they are
110% with their meals and never miss a workout and that may be true but it isn’t
normal for normal everyday people. Having a roll of belly fat is normal. Having cellulite on your thighs
is normal. Craving a donut is completely freaking normal. And don’t let anyone
tell you different. Don’t starve! Don’t hate yourself! Don’t call yourself a
failure. Don’t tell yourself you could have done better. LOVE YOURSELF. Tell
your pretty little self how sexy you are. How beautiful you are. How gorgeous
your hips and your butt are. Notice the curve of your back, the round of your
legs and the strength in your presence. Tell yourself how smart you are! How
responsible, funny, witty and caring you are. Love the things you make yourself
believe are your faults. They aren’t going away, so love them and love you!
And when in doubt, always do the donut.
This blog post below is from a fellow blogger that was posted today that actually got me moving to write again. Read it!
@Cookiecali
